Last Day of Summer

So we went out to breakfast. That's what we do when we're feeling carefree. It's Labor Day -- the last real day of summer. No work. No school -- at least for one more day.

After breakfast it was off to Wal-Mart to stock up on insulated lunch boxes, school supplies and the like. We all dread the inevitable. School starts tomorrow. Waking up too early, rushing everywhere. Winter is next. Not too much to look forward to.

There is the return of routine. The end of endless TV watching and computer talking that my kids do all summer. The end of guilt when I leave my kids alone to sit in front of the TV or computer when I have to go into the office. And, when I'm home. I'm' alone. Really alone. That's when I feel I've had a real day off.

It's also the end of white purses and white pants. Why is that? Isn't winter white? Fall is just a short pacifier until the real misery starts. I hate winter. I hate cold. I hate gray skies.

I love sun. I love the beach. I love to be outside walking. I love blue skies. What am I doing here? Isn't that the real problem? We've picked up and moved before, but I guess we're more responsible now. We're established in our careers, in the schools, in our community. But I hate it here in the winter. My one true goal this year to figure out a way to manage work and school so that I can go to the sun more frequently.

I'm facing a major crossroads. My husband's career has exploded. After the first of the new year, I won't have a financial reason to work. I am burned out at work. But, work offers me many things. As TV producer, I meet all sorts of people. I get all sorts of perks. I get to use my creativity and I meet famous people. I like most of the people I work with and I need social interaction to feel completely happy. On the downside - I have been used and abused by the Sales Department. I have produced crappy commercials for crappy clients that don't have a clue of what good TV is. There is an assumption that I will do any project that comes my way. That is the worst part. Right now I'm in the middle of producing a 30 minute special for the grand opening of a Casino hotel I feel like am compromising my values. I hate gambling. I think it's evil. I have rationalized because the show is about the hotel opening and it's a super big client -- you all would know,it's somehow okay. I feel stuck. Like there's now way out, or the only way out would mean burning bridges and making huge waves. I'm not so good at that, especially because of the good side of this job. I have accomplished a lot in four and 1/2 years at this TV station. I am proud of that. And, while I don't see myself at the pinnacle of my dream career, I am doing something many others would dream of doing. I also realize the potential of the mechanism. When I do finally write something of worth, when I'm ready to publish, I can call on people of influence that I have come to know through this job. Those bridges I definitely don't want to burn. I'm not a fool.

I realize I have been brought here for a reason. There's always a master plan at work. I have been humbled by the doors that have opened before me, and I respect that. I think now, the lesson I need to learn, is to do what I need to do for me. I can create exactly the world I want to live in. I believe with all my heart, that is possible. So goodbye summer. Hello new opportunity! I can feel it. It's just around the corner. I just need the courage to take the leap.

A New Beginning

I, like so many other writers, am terrified of facing the page. Terrified that I might sound trite. Terrified of telling the truth. So what better way to "break through" than to just write what ever I want to strangers. Seems crazy, I know. But, it's just so anonymous. That helps.

Actually, I'm not an amateur. I've sold all my creativity to the highest bidder. I'm a television producer. I produce works of art as well as works of crap to who ever is willing to pay for it. Sometimes I'm caught up in the ego of it all. Not many people have a job like I do. I know people. I meet famous people. I get special treatment. That's the best part.

Other times, though, I loathe the sacrifice of my standards. I prostitute myself to the likes of Home Improvement gurus, paint stores, casinos, plastic surgeons, uppity, self absorbed business owners who think they are way more important that they really are.

I'm trying to break free of all of it. Financially, I now have the opportunity to do it. It's time to work for me.

I took a novel writing class years ago. And one of the first rules of writing is to have "something to say". So what do I have to say? I guess it's this: I want to stop pleasing others and please myself. I have learned a lot in my life. Most through error, but I have learned. I don't know if I know more than anyone else, I just know how my life has evolved and what seems to work and what doesn't.

I actually can't believe I'm doing this. I don't want to sound self-consumed. I guess it's just that I'm tired of pleasing "the man" and I want to find my own voice. So here it is. The real me.