Like so many other women, I have a problem saying "No". I want to please. I was raised to be "a good girl" and to "mind your parents". This is fine in school, but when it comes to the business world there has to be boundaries. I've known that for some time now, but rarely practice it. I want to be liked and accepted. Therefore, I have said "Yes" more times that I would have liked to the detriment of my family and my own mental health.
There are so many things that can go wrong in my job as a television producer, but the one thing that is inevitable is the deadline. In the TV business there are constant "emergencies". It seems like life or death deadlines persist on a daily basis. Something has to air by such and such date. There is no changing that. It's in the TV guide for heaven's sake. So because of this undeniable truth I have found myself working 12 to 15 hour days, sat in an edit room through the night, worked weekends, missed parent teacher conferences and band concerts (okay, I didn't mind missing the band concerts) and even spent a weekend screening video tape while my daughter lay on the couch beside me with a bucket throwing up. "Just hit the bucket honey, I've only got four more hours of tape to screen."
So recently, I requested half a day of edit time to make some minor changes in a cooking segment that was scheduled to air in a couple of weeks. My schedule was wide open. The response I got was how about Nov. 3? That happens to be the one day in the next two weeks that I had hoped to keep open. It's election day, and while I plan to vote, that's not the main reason. It's my youngest son's 14th birthday, and school is out that day. It's the first day off school, since the new school year started.
Any rational person (a man) would just say, "Sorry, I'm booked that day" or "I'm not available that day". But for me it became a major internal wrestle. I got the email on a Friday afternoon. I brooded about it all that evening, tossed and turned about it during the night. woke up grumpy Saturday morning unable to communicate to my family why I was in such a bad mood. Here's what I was thinking..., edit time is at a premium right. The editor probably was all booked up until that date. There's just no way around it. And asking for a different edit date might mean someone horrible would happen. The operations manager would say "No" to me. Oh the horror! Immediately I'm 7 years old and images of my mother pulling out the wooden spoon came to mind (they used to spank kids in those days) or being sent to your room without dinner. Or the ultimate fear.. being sent to the principal's office, in my mind. What could be worse?
I stewed for another day. Fretted about having to leave my kids at home to drive 45 miles to the station to fix stupid things that didn't (in my opinion) need to be fixed in the first place. I actually considered doing it for awhile. I rationalized, "oh the kids will be sleeping in anyway. I can be done by Noon. I'll be home by 1."
But I knew that was a lie. You walk into that building and you're immediately sucked into a world of crazy. Fun crazy at times, but crazy none the less. I knew I was lying to myself. Suddenly this amazing thought came to me. "You can say No!" You can send an email saying you are not available that day. I couldn't believe I was even thinking this. I actually had to sit with it for a couple of hours considering all the ramifications of such a brazen move. Then, just like a gladiator preparing for battle, I donned my psychological armour and marched up to my room, sat down at the laptop and wrote these words. "I am not available on November 3rd." Just like that. And get this, I continued to say, "Isn't there any way he (the editor) could get to it sooner? At least fix one of the segments that needed to air first?"
You won't believe what happened. I got an email back first thing Monday morning that said. "Jim (the editor) had some time Tuesday (meaning the very next day) to work on these segments. And further, if he didn't finish them then during that session, some time could be set aside for me on Nov. 4th.
I couldn't believe my eyes. There was actually another option besides me sacrificing precious time with my kids on my son's 14th birthday, to schlepp 45 minutes away, to fix something that could be done another day. Wow. What a concept! I was so relieved. And to top it off it was so easy to do. Nobody yelled at me. Nobody sent me to the principal's office. I asked for what I needed, protected precious family time, and got what I wanted. Now, that's quite an accomplishment, wouldn't you say?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Thursday, November 13, 2008
TV Moratorium
I find it hard to believe sometimes that my kids don't watch TV. Oh, there may be an occasional show. Seth likes House. He DVR's it but rarely has the time to watch the recordings. Allie won't miss a Piston's game, but watches no other TV. Christian likes a little Sponge Bob (who doesn't?), but that's it. This baffles me coming from their particular Mom. I love, Love, LOVE TV -- at least I did when I was a kid. I got up early to watch the Farm Report (it was the only thing on back in the late 60's or early 70's at 6am when there were only 3 or 4 TV stations if you count the fuzzy PBS station you sometimes got if the rabbit ears were just right. I lived for my Saturday Morning lineup -- Bugs Bunny, Scooby Doo, The Jackson Five, Fat Albert and of course the School Rock tidbits in between.
When the cartoons were finished it was time for Pro Bowlers Tour or maybe some of that fake wrestling. And if Mom and Dad were busy that day I could watch all the way to Wide World of Sports. That was just Saturday!!! Of course I had chores to do, and I did them, but the TV was on while I was vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom.
I had my weekday favorites too. After school there was Gilligan's Island, I Dream of Jeanie, The Adams Family, The Munsters and the ultimate favorite -- The Brady Bunch. I think I saw every episode. "Pork Chops and Applesause", "Something suddenly came up" -- these are phrases from the Brady Bunch I use to this day.
On week nights I loved Bewitched, That Girl, Mary Tyler Moore, The Waltons, Mission Impossible and on the weekends -- The Wonderful World of Disney, Gunsmoke and Bonanza. Amazingly enough, I never ever saw an episode of Night Rider or A-Team, or Hart to Hart. I did love Moonlighting. Then it was Seinfeld and to this day my favorites are 24 (where the heck is that show), Lost (why do they keep us waiting so long?), Heroes (not as good this year but still cool) ER (why does it have to end?) and my new favorite, Fringe.
I love TV so much I chose it for a career. I make TV shows on the local level. Some are lame, some are pretty worthwhile. I have come to know people in TV. I'll never forget the day I walked to the microwave to warm up some left over pasta in the kitchen area outside Studio A at our station and there was Greg Brady, just standing there. Of course I said, "Hi" with a ridiculous grin on my face. How could these worlds collide? Real and fantasy, childhood and adulthood all smacking me right in the face outside studio A! Or there was the time Jeff Daniels was sitting in the green room and I come up with the brilliant line, "We love Dumb and Dumber at our house". I'm sure he's used to idiots like me saying stupid stuff.
I'll never forget the day I was asked to produce a series of interviews with Oprah. Yes, the Oprah. Getting ready for the interview I couldn't help but think back to all those years with toddlers, when the thought of working outside the home was not even a distant glimmer. These were the years when I was fortunate to get a shower by 3pm or wear anything other than sweatpants. It was about a ten year period when Oprah was my link to the grownup world. I watched her from my 3 bedroom, 2 bath ranch in Vancouver, Washington, every day at 4pm. Never in a million years did I think I would be standing in front of her asking her questions. I remember going to Costco on my way to Downtown Detroit where I was going to do the interview. I stopped at Costco to see if they had a copy of her latest Oprah's Book Club book for the interview. I was all dressed up on a Saturday afternoon. I stood there at the book table, ready to burst with excitement. I wanted to scream to all the customers that I was on my way to meet Oprah. To have a chat with her, to tell the cameramen what to do and to tell Oprah what to do! It was a long way from those drizzly afternoons in Washington in the sweatpants.
But of all the TV personalities I've met, I would have to say my favorite was Robin Roberts. It was during the Super Bowl. She was so nice. I asked her to do a special intro for my Super Bowl Week in Review Piece. I told her to say "Hey, Detroit! Are you ready for some football?" I know it's cliche, but she was so nice and willing to do it. I said, "say it in your big outdoor voice," and that made her laugh. I found her to be a genuine, smart lady. When I heard she had breast cancer, my heart broke for her. She was my pal -- at least in my mind.
So you might ask, why the title TV moratorium? I've had it. I love it, but I've had it. I need to write. This is what is in the deepest part of my heart. I don't know what I'm supposed to write, but I have this sinking feeling, that TV is draining the life out of me.
When I'm home alone, when the kids are all at school, it's easy to turn on Regis and Kelly for a little connection with the rest of the world. They're funny. I always say tune it for the first 10 minutes and you'll just have a better day. That's all good and fine, but my problem is then the TV just stays on through Ellen or Martha. Then it's the View, then it's friends at the station doing "Action News at Noon."
Oh I'm just sitting there glued to the tube. I'm making breakfast, working out on the elliptical, reading and replying to emails from work. Sometimes I'm even screening tapes for a show or commercial I'm working on.
But here's the real thing stuck under my craw, the splinter that's starting to fester -- today I just decided I have had it! I'm tired the Gay agenda infiltrating just about every TV show. Believe it or not, not everyone thinks homosexulatiy is mainstream. I have no problem with what anyone chooses to do in the bedroom, but please don't expect me to feel the same way you do about legitimizing gay marriage. Marriage is a holy covenant between a man, a woman and God, for the purpose of bonding the couple and helping them grow in righteousness, and for providing the most divine of all relationships -- that of family.
Even mediocre psychologists will agree that a child is best served with both a male and female parent. My concern in all of this is the rising generation. If gay marriage becomes an accepted part of our culture, I see a whole new generation of children being raised in a very one sided, warped culture. One of the curses of the inner city these days is that there are scores of children being raised by single mothers. Look what that's done to those children. Statistics show boys raised without significant male role models are exponentially more likely to get involved in drugs, premarital sex and crime. They are the young men that fill our prisons.
I really don't even mind civil unions between gay couples. There's no reason you should not have a legal rights to visit your partner in the hospital, get your partner's property when they die. By the way, I've worked in hospitals, and just about anybody can visit anybody. This is a scillatious, irrelavant argument. And as far proptery rights go, just make a will. Everybody should do that anyway.
I think civil unions are far better than being promiscuous. But don't try and mainstream your relationship into that of legitimate family ordained of God. And don't bring children into the relationship just because you want them. It's not in their best interest. Period!
I'm tired of turning on any primetime drama or comedy show to find there is a lesbian or gay story line going on. The kissing scene. Yes, there is homosexuality in the world. Yes, it needs to be addressed. But at the same time, it's not mainstream. And just because those promoting the gay agenda seem to congregate in Hollywood and New York where most entertainment is produced, it's not the way most people live and huge majority still thinks it's wrong.
This whole thing with blaming the Mormons for the passing of Proposition 8 in California and saying they are hateful and ugly is preposterous. Mormons are only standing up for traditional families. They're not haters. Watch a Mormon for a week and you'll see they are hard working, honest people who spend most of their free time serving their families or others.
Beside that, if a majority of people in California voted for the proposition, I guarantee you, they weren't all Mormons. In fact one of the largest groups that voted for prop 8 were African Americans. But it's not policitally correct to blame black people for anything.
There are actually a lot people outside of Hollywood that believe in traditional values. There are people all across this country that read the Bible and believe what it says.
I know these are harsh words. But sometimes you just have to say what you feel.
So that's the big reason for the moratorium. That, and I need to find out what's inside of me. I need to get in touch with that voice beyond me that speaks truth. For when I find that voice, I speak truth and write truth. It illuminates and magnifies common individuals, helps them to grow and to help others. That's what I truly want to do with my time. Sorry if I ranted to long.
When the cartoons were finished it was time for Pro Bowlers Tour or maybe some of that fake wrestling. And if Mom and Dad were busy that day I could watch all the way to Wide World of Sports. That was just Saturday!!! Of course I had chores to do, and I did them, but the TV was on while I was vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom.
I had my weekday favorites too. After school there was Gilligan's Island, I Dream of Jeanie, The Adams Family, The Munsters and the ultimate favorite -- The Brady Bunch. I think I saw every episode. "Pork Chops and Applesause", "Something suddenly came up" -- these are phrases from the Brady Bunch I use to this day.
On week nights I loved Bewitched, That Girl, Mary Tyler Moore, The Waltons, Mission Impossible and on the weekends -- The Wonderful World of Disney, Gunsmoke and Bonanza. Amazingly enough, I never ever saw an episode of Night Rider or A-Team, or Hart to Hart. I did love Moonlighting. Then it was Seinfeld and to this day my favorites are 24 (where the heck is that show), Lost (why do they keep us waiting so long?), Heroes (not as good this year but still cool) ER (why does it have to end?) and my new favorite, Fringe.
I love TV so much I chose it for a career. I make TV shows on the local level. Some are lame, some are pretty worthwhile. I have come to know people in TV. I'll never forget the day I walked to the microwave to warm up some left over pasta in the kitchen area outside Studio A at our station and there was Greg Brady, just standing there. Of course I said, "Hi" with a ridiculous grin on my face. How could these worlds collide? Real and fantasy, childhood and adulthood all smacking me right in the face outside studio A! Or there was the time Jeff Daniels was sitting in the green room and I come up with the brilliant line, "We love Dumb and Dumber at our house". I'm sure he's used to idiots like me saying stupid stuff.
I'll never forget the day I was asked to produce a series of interviews with Oprah. Yes, the Oprah. Getting ready for the interview I couldn't help but think back to all those years with toddlers, when the thought of working outside the home was not even a distant glimmer. These were the years when I was fortunate to get a shower by 3pm or wear anything other than sweatpants. It was about a ten year period when Oprah was my link to the grownup world. I watched her from my 3 bedroom, 2 bath ranch in Vancouver, Washington, every day at 4pm. Never in a million years did I think I would be standing in front of her asking her questions. I remember going to Costco on my way to Downtown Detroit where I was going to do the interview. I stopped at Costco to see if they had a copy of her latest Oprah's Book Club book for the interview. I was all dressed up on a Saturday afternoon. I stood there at the book table, ready to burst with excitement. I wanted to scream to all the customers that I was on my way to meet Oprah. To have a chat with her, to tell the cameramen what to do and to tell Oprah what to do! It was a long way from those drizzly afternoons in Washington in the sweatpants.
But of all the TV personalities I've met, I would have to say my favorite was Robin Roberts. It was during the Super Bowl. She was so nice. I asked her to do a special intro for my Super Bowl Week in Review Piece. I told her to say "Hey, Detroit! Are you ready for some football?" I know it's cliche, but she was so nice and willing to do it. I said, "say it in your big outdoor voice," and that made her laugh. I found her to be a genuine, smart lady. When I heard she had breast cancer, my heart broke for her. She was my pal -- at least in my mind.
So you might ask, why the title TV moratorium? I've had it. I love it, but I've had it. I need to write. This is what is in the deepest part of my heart. I don't know what I'm supposed to write, but I have this sinking feeling, that TV is draining the life out of me.
When I'm home alone, when the kids are all at school, it's easy to turn on Regis and Kelly for a little connection with the rest of the world. They're funny. I always say tune it for the first 10 minutes and you'll just have a better day. That's all good and fine, but my problem is then the TV just stays on through Ellen or Martha. Then it's the View, then it's friends at the station doing "Action News at Noon."
Oh I'm just sitting there glued to the tube. I'm making breakfast, working out on the elliptical, reading and replying to emails from work. Sometimes I'm even screening tapes for a show or commercial I'm working on.
But here's the real thing stuck under my craw, the splinter that's starting to fester -- today I just decided I have had it! I'm tired the Gay agenda infiltrating just about every TV show. Believe it or not, not everyone thinks homosexulatiy is mainstream. I have no problem with what anyone chooses to do in the bedroom, but please don't expect me to feel the same way you do about legitimizing gay marriage. Marriage is a holy covenant between a man, a woman and God, for the purpose of bonding the couple and helping them grow in righteousness, and for providing the most divine of all relationships -- that of family.
Even mediocre psychologists will agree that a child is best served with both a male and female parent. My concern in all of this is the rising generation. If gay marriage becomes an accepted part of our culture, I see a whole new generation of children being raised in a very one sided, warped culture. One of the curses of the inner city these days is that there are scores of children being raised by single mothers. Look what that's done to those children. Statistics show boys raised without significant male role models are exponentially more likely to get involved in drugs, premarital sex and crime. They are the young men that fill our prisons.
I really don't even mind civil unions between gay couples. There's no reason you should not have a legal rights to visit your partner in the hospital, get your partner's property when they die. By the way, I've worked in hospitals, and just about anybody can visit anybody. This is a scillatious, irrelavant argument. And as far proptery rights go, just make a will. Everybody should do that anyway.
I think civil unions are far better than being promiscuous. But don't try and mainstream your relationship into that of legitimate family ordained of God. And don't bring children into the relationship just because you want them. It's not in their best interest. Period!
I'm tired of turning on any primetime drama or comedy show to find there is a lesbian or gay story line going on. The kissing scene. Yes, there is homosexuality in the world. Yes, it needs to be addressed. But at the same time, it's not mainstream. And just because those promoting the gay agenda seem to congregate in Hollywood and New York where most entertainment is produced, it's not the way most people live and huge majority still thinks it's wrong.
This whole thing with blaming the Mormons for the passing of Proposition 8 in California and saying they are hateful and ugly is preposterous. Mormons are only standing up for traditional families. They're not haters. Watch a Mormon for a week and you'll see they are hard working, honest people who spend most of their free time serving their families or others.
Beside that, if a majority of people in California voted for the proposition, I guarantee you, they weren't all Mormons. In fact one of the largest groups that voted for prop 8 were African Americans. But it's not policitally correct to blame black people for anything.
There are actually a lot people outside of Hollywood that believe in traditional values. There are people all across this country that read the Bible and believe what it says.
I know these are harsh words. But sometimes you just have to say what you feel.
So that's the big reason for the moratorium. That, and I need to find out what's inside of me. I need to get in touch with that voice beyond me that speaks truth. For when I find that voice, I speak truth and write truth. It illuminates and magnifies common individuals, helps them to grow and to help others. That's what I truly want to do with my time. Sorry if I ranted to long.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I hate winter!
I finally have a free day with no big demands. It's grey and cold outside. Do you prefer "grey" or "gray". I go back and forth. I'm reading "The Agony and the Ecstasy" by Irving Stone. It is amazing! It's about Michelangelo. It shows what a genius he is, and also what a genius Irving Stone is. Both get that beauty and art are both gifts from God.
I'm in the middle of producing the 2009 Ultimate Wedding Planning Show. I don't want to do it. I've asked managment to hire another producer. The person they have asked is too afraid to do it, so I'm stuck. But I'm trying to stand strong. I don't need the work, and I really think the show could use a fresh approach.
I have lots of things I want to write about. See, this is the bottom line. I don't want to produce lame local specials anymore. They are so time consuming. What I really want to do is write books. That's why I'm writing here. To at least start the juices flowing. I don't really want to be so narcissistic as to think my daily trivial triflings are of any interest to anyone but myself, but I feel like I need to commit to writing. Plus, I did get a little jealous when I heard some ladies at church say they were reading each other's blogs! What? I'm the writer. Why don't I have a blog? I know it's small and immature of me. But what can I say. At least, I'm honest enough to say it.
I do think the things I do at work are taking time away from what I really should be doing. I have moments of inpsiration when I know exactly what I should write and then other times I think everything I have to say is just stupid. So at least I'm committing to writing SOMETHING!
Getting back to my title... Winter is not a good place for me. I like about two weeks of it. The two weeks right before Christmas, the first good snowstorm, a little snuggling up in front of the fire. BUT THAT's IT. It seems like a dead time of the year. Everything is so grey, gray and greay. It affects my mood and makes lack luster in all that I do. The only reason I have energy today is because I know I don't have to teach Seminary tomorrow. It's a day off for one of the school districts, so we have a day off tomorrow.
We have a little situation with one of our kids today, who when he/she returns home is about to find out he/she is so grounded for about ten years. I don't know how to handle these teenager issues. I feel like such a pushover sometimes. I know how to feel. I am disappointed by the behavior. But what can I say. I made huge mistakes in my youth and I figured it all out eventually. So what do I say?Do I just show love? Do I kick butt? I go between anger and sadness and disappointment to guilt about working. The list goes on and on. I have been reallyt trying not to work so much - hence tryng to get out of the Wedding Show, and I am most most days before the kids get home. So what else can I do. I push us all to have family home evening. I teach seminary. We've read the scriptures, we have family prayer every day. What else can I do?
I'm in the middle of producing the 2009 Ultimate Wedding Planning Show. I don't want to do it. I've asked managment to hire another producer. The person they have asked is too afraid to do it, so I'm stuck. But I'm trying to stand strong. I don't need the work, and I really think the show could use a fresh approach.
I have lots of things I want to write about. See, this is the bottom line. I don't want to produce lame local specials anymore. They are so time consuming. What I really want to do is write books. That's why I'm writing here. To at least start the juices flowing. I don't really want to be so narcissistic as to think my daily trivial triflings are of any interest to anyone but myself, but I feel like I need to commit to writing. Plus, I did get a little jealous when I heard some ladies at church say they were reading each other's blogs! What? I'm the writer. Why don't I have a blog? I know it's small and immature of me. But what can I say. At least, I'm honest enough to say it.
I do think the things I do at work are taking time away from what I really should be doing. I have moments of inpsiration when I know exactly what I should write and then other times I think everything I have to say is just stupid. So at least I'm committing to writing SOMETHING!
Getting back to my title... Winter is not a good place for me. I like about two weeks of it. The two weeks right before Christmas, the first good snowstorm, a little snuggling up in front of the fire. BUT THAT's IT. It seems like a dead time of the year. Everything is so grey, gray and greay. It affects my mood and makes lack luster in all that I do. The only reason I have energy today is because I know I don't have to teach Seminary tomorrow. It's a day off for one of the school districts, so we have a day off tomorrow.
We have a little situation with one of our kids today, who when he/she returns home is about to find out he/she is so grounded for about ten years. I don't know how to handle these teenager issues. I feel like such a pushover sometimes. I know how to feel. I am disappointed by the behavior. But what can I say. I made huge mistakes in my youth and I figured it all out eventually. So what do I say?Do I just show love? Do I kick butt? I go between anger and sadness and disappointment to guilt about working. The list goes on and on. I have been reallyt trying not to work so much - hence tryng to get out of the Wedding Show, and I am most most days before the kids get home. So what else can I do. I push us all to have family home evening. I teach seminary. We've read the scriptures, we have family prayer every day. What else can I do?
Monday, September 3, 2007
Last Day of Summer
So we went out to breakfast. That's what we do when we're feeling carefree. It's Labor Day -- the last real day of summer. No work. No school -- at least for one more day.
After breakfast it was off to Wal-Mart to stock up on insulated lunch boxes, school supplies and the like. We all dread the inevitable. School starts tomorrow. Waking up too early, rushing everywhere. Winter is next. Not too much to look forward to.
There is the return of routine. The end of endless TV watching and computer talking that my kids do all summer. The end of guilt when I leave my kids alone to sit in front of the TV or computer when I have to go into the office. And, when I'm home. I'm' alone. Really alone. That's when I feel I've had a real day off.
It's also the end of white purses and white pants. Why is that? Isn't winter white? Fall is just a short pacifier until the real misery starts. I hate winter. I hate cold. I hate gray skies.
I love sun. I love the beach. I love to be outside walking. I love blue skies. What am I doing here? Isn't that the real problem? We've picked up and moved before, but I guess we're more responsible now. We're established in our careers, in the schools, in our community. But I hate it here in the winter. My one true goal this year to figure out a way to manage work and school so that I can go to the sun more frequently.
I'm facing a major crossroads. My husband's career has exploded. After the first of the new year, I won't have a financial reason to work. I am burned out at work. But, work offers me many things. As TV producer, I meet all sorts of people. I get all sorts of perks. I get to use my creativity and I meet famous people. I like most of the people I work with and I need social interaction to feel completely happy. On the downside - I have been used and abused by the Sales Department. I have produced crappy commercials for crappy clients that don't have a clue of what good TV is. There is an assumption that I will do any project that comes my way. That is the worst part. Right now I'm in the middle of producing a 30 minute special for the grand opening of a Casino hotel I feel like am compromising my values. I hate gambling. I think it's evil. I have rationalized because the show is about the hotel opening and it's a super big client -- you all would know,it's somehow okay. I feel stuck. Like there's now way out, or the only way out would mean burning bridges and making huge waves. I'm not so good at that, especially because of the good side of this job. I have accomplished a lot in four and 1/2 years at this TV station. I am proud of that. And, while I don't see myself at the pinnacle of my dream career, I am doing something many others would dream of doing. I also realize the potential of the mechanism. When I do finally write something of worth, when I'm ready to publish, I can call on people of influence that I have come to know through this job. Those bridges I definitely don't want to burn. I'm not a fool.
I realize I have been brought here for a reason. There's always a master plan at work. I have been humbled by the doors that have opened before me, and I respect that. I think now, the lesson I need to learn, is to do what I need to do for me. I can create exactly the world I want to live in. I believe with all my heart, that is possible. So goodbye summer. Hello new opportunity! I can feel it. It's just around the corner. I just need the courage to take the leap.
After breakfast it was off to Wal-Mart to stock up on insulated lunch boxes, school supplies and the like. We all dread the inevitable. School starts tomorrow. Waking up too early, rushing everywhere. Winter is next. Not too much to look forward to.
There is the return of routine. The end of endless TV watching and computer talking that my kids do all summer. The end of guilt when I leave my kids alone to sit in front of the TV or computer when I have to go into the office. And, when I'm home. I'm' alone. Really alone. That's when I feel I've had a real day off.
It's also the end of white purses and white pants. Why is that? Isn't winter white? Fall is just a short pacifier until the real misery starts. I hate winter. I hate cold. I hate gray skies.
I love sun. I love the beach. I love to be outside walking. I love blue skies. What am I doing here? Isn't that the real problem? We've picked up and moved before, but I guess we're more responsible now. We're established in our careers, in the schools, in our community. But I hate it here in the winter. My one true goal this year to figure out a way to manage work and school so that I can go to the sun more frequently.
I'm facing a major crossroads. My husband's career has exploded. After the first of the new year, I won't have a financial reason to work. I am burned out at work. But, work offers me many things. As TV producer, I meet all sorts of people. I get all sorts of perks. I get to use my creativity and I meet famous people. I like most of the people I work with and I need social interaction to feel completely happy. On the downside - I have been used and abused by the Sales Department. I have produced crappy commercials for crappy clients that don't have a clue of what good TV is. There is an assumption that I will do any project that comes my way. That is the worst part. Right now I'm in the middle of producing a 30 minute special for the grand opening of a Casino hotel I feel like am compromising my values. I hate gambling. I think it's evil. I have rationalized because the show is about the hotel opening and it's a super big client -- you all would know,it's somehow okay. I feel stuck. Like there's now way out, or the only way out would mean burning bridges and making huge waves. I'm not so good at that, especially because of the good side of this job. I have accomplished a lot in four and 1/2 years at this TV station. I am proud of that. And, while I don't see myself at the pinnacle of my dream career, I am doing something many others would dream of doing. I also realize the potential of the mechanism. When I do finally write something of worth, when I'm ready to publish, I can call on people of influence that I have come to know through this job. Those bridges I definitely don't want to burn. I'm not a fool.
I realize I have been brought here for a reason. There's always a master plan at work. I have been humbled by the doors that have opened before me, and I respect that. I think now, the lesson I need to learn, is to do what I need to do for me. I can create exactly the world I want to live in. I believe with all my heart, that is possible. So goodbye summer. Hello new opportunity! I can feel it. It's just around the corner. I just need the courage to take the leap.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
A New Beginning
I, like so many other writers, am terrified of facing the page. Terrified that I might sound trite. Terrified of telling the truth. So what better way to "break through" than to just write what ever I want to strangers. Seems crazy, I know. But, it's just so anonymous. That helps.
Actually, I'm not an amateur. I've sold all my creativity to the highest bidder. I'm a television producer. I produce works of art as well as works of crap to who ever is willing to pay for it. Sometimes I'm caught up in the ego of it all. Not many people have a job like I do. I know people. I meet famous people. I get special treatment. That's the best part.
Other times, though, I loathe the sacrifice of my standards. I prostitute myself to the likes of Home Improvement gurus, paint stores, casinos, plastic surgeons, uppity, self absorbed business owners who think they are way more important that they really are.
I'm trying to break free of all of it. Financially, I now have the opportunity to do it. It's time to work for me.
I took a novel writing class years ago. And one of the first rules of writing is to have "something to say". So what do I have to say? I guess it's this: I want to stop pleasing others and please myself. I have learned a lot in my life. Most through error, but I have learned. I don't know if I know more than anyone else, I just know how my life has evolved and what seems to work and what doesn't.
I actually can't believe I'm doing this. I don't want to sound self-consumed. I guess it's just that I'm tired of pleasing "the man" and I want to find my own voice. So here it is. The real me.
Actually, I'm not an amateur. I've sold all my creativity to the highest bidder. I'm a television producer. I produce works of art as well as works of crap to who ever is willing to pay for it. Sometimes I'm caught up in the ego of it all. Not many people have a job like I do. I know people. I meet famous people. I get special treatment. That's the best part.
Other times, though, I loathe the sacrifice of my standards. I prostitute myself to the likes of Home Improvement gurus, paint stores, casinos, plastic surgeons, uppity, self absorbed business owners who think they are way more important that they really are.
I'm trying to break free of all of it. Financially, I now have the opportunity to do it. It's time to work for me.
I took a novel writing class years ago. And one of the first rules of writing is to have "something to say". So what do I have to say? I guess it's this: I want to stop pleasing others and please myself. I have learned a lot in my life. Most through error, but I have learned. I don't know if I know more than anyone else, I just know how my life has evolved and what seems to work and what doesn't.
I actually can't believe I'm doing this. I don't want to sound self-consumed. I guess it's just that I'm tired of pleasing "the man" and I want to find my own voice. So here it is. The real me.
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